How Do You Stop Being a People Pleaser?
If you think of yourself as a people pleaser, there are probably certain situations you know all too well.
You say yes when you really wanted to say no.
You take on a little extra responsibility.
Give a little more.
Adjust a little more.
You think about how other people feel.
How they’ll react.
Whether they’ll be disappointed.
Hurt.
Annoyed.
Or feel rejected.
Maybe you’re often the understanding one.
The flexible one.
The accommodating one.
The person who tries to see things from every angle.
And you’ve probably heard the advice many times:
Take better care of yourself.
Set more boundaries.
Think more about your own needs.
But if you’re like many people, it doesn’t feel quite that simple.
Because you don’t want to stop caring about other people.
You don’t want to become cold.
You don’t want to become selfish.
And you probably don’t want to lose the parts of yourself that you actually like.
The kindness.
The thoughtfulness.
The empathy.
Quite the opposite.
Many People Think the Problem Is That They Care Too Much About Others
That’s why so much advice about people pleasing focuses on caring less about what other people think.
Choose yourself.
Put yourself first.
Stop worrying about other people’s opinions.
Be less afraid of conflict.
Stop trying to make everyone happy.
Learn to prioritize yourself.
And again…
there’s certainly something valuable in some of that advice.
But if you ask me, it doesn’t quite get to the heart of the problem.
Because most people pleasers don’t want to become more selfish.
They don’t want to become less caring.
They don’t want to stop being considerate.
In fact, those qualities are often some of their greatest strengths.
Part of what makes them who they are.
Something they can be proud of.
The problem usually isn’t that they care about other people.
The problem isn’t that they’re too kind.
Too understanding.
Or too compassionate.
The problem usually isn’t that you care too much.
It’s what happens when caring about other people collides with caring about yourself.
The problem usually isn’t that you care too much. It’s what happens when caring about others collides with caring about yourself.
The Problem Starts When Your Needs and Someone Else’s Needs Pull in Different Directions
If you ask me, caring isn’t the problem.
Empathy isn’t the problem.
Consideration isn’t the problem.
The challenge starts when your needs and someone else’s needs pull in different directions.
Because what do you do then?
How do you say no?
How do you speak up?
How do you stand by what you need?
How do you take care of yourself…
while also taking care of the relationship?
While staying connected?
While caring about the other person?
This is where many people pleasers become uncertain.
Not because they don’t know what they need.
But because they don’t know how to handle the situation around it.
How to navigate the conversation.
How to handle what happens between two people when needs collide.
That’s one of the reasons I created my course.
Because setting a boundary is only part of the challenge.
The other part is knowing how to handle the conversation around it.
It Often Feels Like You’re Afraid of the Boundary
Many people describe it as being afraid to say no.
Afraid to set boundaries.
Afraid to speak up.
And it can certainly feel that way.
But when people look a little closer, they often discover something interesting.
It’s usually not the boundary itself that feels scary.
It’s everything that might happen afterward.
The disappointment.
The tension.
The conflict.
The rejection.
The awkward silence.
The argument.
It’s the fear of hurting someone.
The fear of losing connection.
Those are often the consequences we’re trying to avoid.
And when we don’t know how to handle those situations if they happen, it becomes much easier to avoid setting the boundary altogether.
Or make it less clear.
Or backtrack afterward.
Not because we lack the desire to set boundaries.
But because we lack the tools.
Often, it’s not the boundary you’re afraid of. It’s what might happen after you set it.
Boundaries Are Not the Opposite of Caring
This may be the biggest misunderstanding about people pleasing.
Many people feel like they have to choose.
Either I take care of other people.
Or I take care of myself.
Either I’m caring.
Or I set boundaries.
But it doesn’t have to work that way.
Because boundaries and caring are not opposites.
Quite the opposite.
Boundaries are a natural part of healthy relationships.
They exist between people.
Not because someone is doing something wrong.
But because people are different.
We have different needs.
Different preferences.
Different limits.
The problem is rarely that boundaries exist.
The problem often starts when we don’t know how to talk about them.
How to stand by them.
And how to navigate the conversations around them.
My name is Sissi.
I’m a mother of two who teaches difficult conversations and boundary setting.
And one thing I see again and again is that people don’t lack empathy.
They don’t lack kindness.
What they often lack are practical tools for handling the moments when caring about someone and being honest with them suddenly feels like two different things.
That’s exactly why my course focuses so heavily on the conversations around boundaries.
Because when you know how to navigate the conversation around a boundary, the boundary often becomes much easier to maintain.
And the relationship becomes much easier to be in.
For both of you.
Why People Pleasing Often Becomes Less Intense Over Time
Something interesting happens when people become better at handling difficult conversations.
They don’t become less caring.
They don’t become colder.
They don’t become more selfish.
Quite the opposite.
The empathy is still there.
The care is still there.
The consideration is still there.
But it’s less driven by fear.
Less driven by worries about how other people will react.
Less driven by the need to avoid every possible conflict or uncomfortable feeling.
Instead, their care becomes more intentional.
More balanced.
More thoughtful.
Because now they’re able to care about other people and themselves at the same time.
The goal is no longer to prevent disappointment.
Or avoid every uncomfortable reaction.
The goal is to know how to handle those moments when they happen.
The goal is no longer to prevent every reaction.
The goal is to know how to handle reactions when they happen.
And that changes more than most people expect.
For the relationship.
And for themselves.
The empathy is still there.
But it’s less driven by fear.
So How Do You Stop Being a People Pleaser?
If you ask me, you don’t stop being a people pleaser by becoming a different person.
You don’t stop by becoming tougher.
More indifferent.
Less caring.
Or less thoughtful.
You’re allowed to keep caring.
You’re allowed to keep being considerate.
You’re allowed to keep being someone who genuinely cares about other people.
What matters is learning how to handle the situations where your needs and someone else’s needs collide.
Learning how to set boundaries.
How to stand by them.
How to navigate reactions.
And how to stay in the relationship at the same time.
So you no longer feel like you have to choose between yourself and other people.
Because the problem usually isn’t that you care too much.
It’s what happens when caring about other people collides with caring about yourself.
In my course, you’ll learn practical tools for doing exactly that.
Not how to become less caring.
But how to use your strengths in a way that leaves room for you, too.
And many people find that it doesn’t just change the way they set boundaries.
It changes the role they feel they have to play in relationships.